I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
