for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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