So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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