all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
