Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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