What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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