I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize