I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
