I just pynch a tree in the face
we're chasing vodka with high fives
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
