no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize