So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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