I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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