this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
