I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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