I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
