Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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