So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
