I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
