my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
