My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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