Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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