i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
pop tarts are not kleenex
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
