her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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