YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
