Just fell off a train. Bad.
I hate all girls vehemently.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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