batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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