Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
