I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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