Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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