Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
