he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
