Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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