So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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