omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
