and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
