Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
