I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
