When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
