What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i came on her dog
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
