I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
sex in a hospital.. check
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
