My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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