The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
