this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
