The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize