Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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