Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
