it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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