please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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