obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize