I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
