there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
