Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
