How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
