Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
