herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My day in three words: secret purse cake
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
