I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
