who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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