last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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