How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
