And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this is an emotional support booty call
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
