My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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