I am in a vortex of obligation.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
