she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
