I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
